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for people, and that the noise the birds made梐 noise to which he was quite accustomed梤epresented to him the dangerous sexual intercourse of his parents, and was so unendurable on this particular morning because of the bull dream, and owing to his acute state of anxiety about his dying mother. Thus his mother's death meant to him her being destroyed by the bull inside him, since梩he work of mourning having already started梙e had internalized her in this most dangerous situation.
I also pointed out some hopeful aspects of the dream. His mother might save herself from the bull. Blackbirds and other birds he is actually fond of. I showed him also the tendencies to reparation and re-creation present in the material. His father (the buffaloes) should be preserved, i.e. protected against his梩he patient's梠wn greed. I reminded him, among other things, of the seeds which he wanted to spread from the country he loved to the town, and which stood for new babies being created by him and by his father as a reparation to his mother梩hese live babies being also a means of keeping her alive.
It was only after this interpretation that he was actually able to tell me that his mother had died the night before. He then admitted, which was unusual with him, his full understanding of the internalization processes which I had interpreted to him. He said that after he had received the news of his mother's death he felt sick, and that he thought, even at the time, that there could be no physical reason for this. It now seemed to him to confirm my interpretation that he had internalized the whole imagined situation of his fighting and dying parents.
During this hour he had shown great hatred, anxiety and tension, but scarcely any sorrow; towards the end, however, after my interpretation, his feelings softened, some sadness appeared, and he experienced some relief.
The night after his mother's funeral, D. dreamt that X. (a father figure) and another person (who stood for me) were trying to help him, but actually he had to fight for his life against us; as he put it: 'Death was claiming me.' In this hour he again spoke bitterly about his analysis, as disintegrating him. I interpreted that he felt the helpful external parents to be at the same time the fighting, disintegrating parents, who would attack and destroy him梩he half-dead bull and the dying mother inside him梐nd that I myself and analysis had come to stand for the dangerous people and happenings inside himself. That his father was also internalized by him as dying
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or dead was confirmed when he told me that at his mother's funeral he had wondered for a moment whether his father also was not dead. (In reality the father was still alive.)
Towards the end of this hour, after a decrease of hatred and anxiety, he again became more co-operative. He mentioned that the day before, looking out of the window of his father's house into the garden and feeling lonely, he disliked a jay he saw on a bush. He thought that this nasty and destructive bird might possibly interfere with another bird's nest with eggs in it. Then he associated that he had seen, some time previously, bunches of wild flowers thrown on the ground梡robably picked and thrown away by children. I again interpreted his hatred and bitterness as being in part a defence against sorrow, loneliness and guilt. The destructive bird, the destructive children梐s often before梥tood for himself, who had, in his mind, destroyed his parents' home and happiness and killed his mother by destroying her babies inside her. In this connection his feelings of guilt related to his direct attacks in phantasy on his mother's body; whilst in connection with the bull dream the guilt was derived from his indirect attacks on her, when he changed his father into a dangerous bull who was thus carrying into effect his梩he patient's梠wn sadistic wishes.
On the third night after his mother's funeral, D. had another dream:
He saw a 'bus coming towards him in an uncontrolled way梐pparently driving itself. It went towards a shed. He could not see what happened to the shed, but knew definitely that the shed 'was going to blazes'. Then two people, coming from behind him, were opening the roof of the shed and looking into it. D. did not 'see the point of their doing this', but they seemed to think it would help.
Besides showing his fear of being castrated by his father through a homosexual act which he at the same time desired, this dream expressed the same internal situation as the bull dream梩he death of his mother inside him and his own death. The shed stood for his mother's body, for himself, and also for his mother inside him. The dangerous sexual intercourse represented by the 'bus destroying the shed happened in his mind to his mother as well as to himself; but in addition, and that is where the predominant anxiety lay, to his mother inside him.
His not being able to see what happened in the dream indicated that in his mind the catastrophe was happening internally. He also knew, without seeing it, that the shed was 'going to blazes'. The
20An attack on the outside of the body often stands for one which is felt to happen internally. I have already pointed out that something represented as being on top of or tightly round the body often covers the deeper meaning of being inside.
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'bus 'coming towards him', besides standing for sexual intercourse and castration by his father, also meant 'happening inside him'.20
The two people opening the roof from behind (he had pointed to my chair) were himself and myself, looking into his inside and into his mind (psycho-analysis). The two people also meant myself as the 'bad' combined parent-figure, myself containing the dangerous father梙ence his doubts whether looking into the shed (analysis) could help him. The uncontrolled 'bus represented also himself in dangerous sexual intercourse with his mother, and expressed his fears and guilt about the badness of his own genitals. Before his mother's death, at a time when her fatal illness had already begun, he accidentally ran his car into a post梬ithout serious consequences. It appeared that this was an unconscious suicidal attempt, meant to destroy the internal 'bad' parents. This accident also represented his parents in dangerous sexual intercourse inside him, and was thus an acting out as well as an externalization of an internal disaster.
The phantasy of the parents combined in 'bad' intercourse梠r rather, the accumulation of emotions of various kinds, desires, fears and guilt, which go with it梙ad very much disturbed his relation to both parents, and had played an important part not only in his illness but in his whole development. Through the analysis of these emotions referring to the actual parents in sexual intercourse, and particularly through the analysis of these internalized situations, the patient became able to experience real mourning for his mother. All his life, however, he had warded off the depression and sorrow about losing her, which were derived from his infantile depressive feelings, and had denied his very great love for her. In his mind he had reinforced his hatred and feelings of persecution, because he could not bear the fear of losing his loved mother. When his anxieties about his own destructiveness decreased and confidence in his power to restore and preserve her became strengthened, persecution lessened and love for her came gradually to the fore. But together with this he increasingly experienced the grief and longing for her which he had repressed and denied from his early days onward. While he was going through this mourning with sorrow and despair, his deeply buried love for his mother came more and more into the open, and his relation to both parents altered. On
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for people, and that the noise the birds made梐 noise to which he was quite accustomed梤epresented to him the dangerous sexual intercourse of his parents, and was so unendurable on this particular morning because of the bull dream, and owing to his acute state of anxiety about his dying mother. Thus his mother's death meant to him her being destroyed by the bull inside him, since梩he work of mourning having already started梙e had internalized her in this most dangerous situation.
I also pointed out some hopeful aspects of the dream. His mother might save herself from the bull. Blackbirds and other birds he is actually fond of. I showed him also the tendencies to reparation and re-creation present in the material. His father (the buffaloes) should be preserved, i.e. protected against his梩he patient's梠wn greed. I reminded him, among other things, of the seeds which he wanted to spread from the country he loved to the town, and which stood for new babies being created by him and by his father as a reparation to his mother梩hese live babies being also a means of keeping her alive.
It was only after this interpretation that he was actually able to tell me that his mother had died the night before. He then admitted, which was unusual with him, his full understanding of the internalization processes which I had interpreted to him. He said that after he had received the news of his mother's death he felt sick, and that he thought, even at the time, that there could be no physical reason for this. It now seemed to him to confirm my interpretation that he had internalized the whole imagined situation of his fighting and dying parents.
During this hour he had shown great hatred, anxiety and tension, but scarcely any sorrow; towards the end, however, after my interpretation, his feelings softened, some sadness appeared, and he experienced some relief.
The night after his mother's funeral, D. dreamt that X. (a father figure) and another person (who stood for me) were trying to help him, but actually he had to fight for his life against us; as he put it: 'Death was claiming me.' In this hour he again spoke bitterly about his analysis, as disintegrating him. I interpreted that he felt the helpful external parents to be at the same time the fighting, disintegrating parents, who would attack and destroy him梩he half-dead bull and the dying mother inside him梐nd that I myself and analysis had come to stand for the dangerous people and happenings inside himself. That his father was also internalized by him as dying
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or dead was confirmed when he told me that at his mother's funeral he had wondered for a moment whether his father also was not dead. (In reality the father was still alive.)
Towards the end of this hour, after a decrease of hatred and anxiety, he again became more co-operative. He mentioned that the day before, looking out of the window of his father's house into the garden and feeling lonely, he disliked a jay he saw on a bush. He thought that this nasty and destructive bird might possibly interfere with another bird's nest with eggs in it. Then he associated that he had seen, some time previously, bunches of wild flowers thrown on the ground梡robably picked and thrown away by children. I again interpreted his hatred and bitterness as being in part a defence against sorrow, loneliness and guilt. The destructive bird, the destructive children梐s often before梥tood for himself, who had, in his mind, destroyed his parents' home and happiness and killed his mother by destroying her babies inside her. In this connection his feelings of guilt related to his direct attacks in phantasy on his mother's body; whilst in connection with the bull dream the guilt was derived from his indirect attacks on her, when he changed his father into a dangerous bull who was thus carrying into effect his梩he patient's梠wn sadistic wishes.
On the third night after his mother's funeral, D. had another dream:
He saw a 'bus coming towards him in an uncontrolled way梐pparently driving itself. It went towards a shed. He could not see what happened to the shed, but knew definitely that the shed 'was going to blazes'. Then two people, coming from behind him, were opening the roof of the shed and looking into it. D. did not 'see the point of their doing this', but they seemed to think it would help.
Besides showing his fear of being castrated by his father through a homosexual act which he at the same time desired, this dream expressed the same internal situation as the bull dream梩he death of his mother inside him and his own death. The shed stood for his mother's body, for himself, and also for his mother inside him. The dangerous sexual intercourse represented by the 'bus destroying the shed happened in his mind to his mother as well as to himself; but in addition, and that is where the predominant anxiety lay, to his mother inside him.
His not being able to see what happened in the dream indicated that in his mind the catastrophe was happening internally. He also knew, without seeing it, that the shed was 'going to blazes'. The
20An attack on the outside of the body often stands for one which is felt to happen internally. I have already pointed out that something represented as being on top of or tightly round the body often covers the deeper meaning of being inside.
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'bus 'coming towards him', besides standing for sexual intercourse and castration by his father, also meant 'happening inside him'.20
The two people opening the roof from behind (he had pointed to my chair) were himself and myself, looking into his inside and into his mind (psycho-analysis). The two people also meant myself as the 'bad' combined parent-figure, myself containing the dangerous father梙ence his doubts whether looking into the shed (analysis) could help him. The uncontrolled 'bus represented also himself in dangerous sexual intercourse with his mother, and expressed his fears and guilt about the badness of his own genitals. Before his mother's death, at a time when her fatal illness had already begun, he accidentally ran his car into a post梬ithout serious consequences. It appeared that this was an unconscious suicidal attempt, meant to destroy the internal 'bad' parents. This accident also represented his parents in dangerous sexual intercourse inside him, and was thus an acting out as well as an externalization of an internal disaster.
The phantasy of the parents combined in 'bad' intercourse梠r rather, the accumulation of emotions of various kinds, desires, fears and guilt, which go with it梙ad very much disturbed his relation to both parents, and had played an important part not only in his illness but in his whole development. Through the analysis of these emotions referring to the actual parents in sexual intercourse, and particularly through the analysis of these internalized situations, the patient became able to experience real mourning for his mother. All his life, however, he had warded off the depression and sorrow about losing her, which were derived from his infantile depressive feelings, and had denied his very great love for her. In his mind he had reinforced his hatred and feelings of persecution, because he could not bear the fear of losing his loved mother. When his anxieties about his own destructiveness decreased and confidence in his power to restore and preserve her became strengthened, persecution lessened and love for her came gradually to the fore. But together with this he increasingly experienced the grief and longing for her which he had repressed and denied from his early days onward. While he was going through this mourning with sorrow and despair, his deeply buried love for his mother came more and more into the open, and his relation to both parents altered. On