恐惧,瘫痪和毒药
In her book Fear and Other Uninvited Guests, psychologist Harriet Lerner points
out that of all the forces that shape human behavior, fear of humiliation is
among the most powerful.
在《恐惧等其它不受欢迎的客人》一书中,心理学家Harriet Lerner指出所有塑造人类行为的势力中,对羞辱的恐惧几乎最强大。
Humiliation's power can keep people from violating basic social boundaries. But
like tear gas, it has only one effect: incapacitation. Try this little
experiment. Say out loud the words "I'm so ashamed of myself," and notice how
your mind and body react. You'll probably feel enervated, paralyzed, as though
you've donned a lead straitjacket. These sensations don't just stop you from
doing anything wrong; they stop you from doing anything, period.
羞辱的力量能让人们不侵犯基本社交边界。但是,正如催泪弹一样,它只有一个作用:削弱。试一试这个小实验。大声说:“我对自己感到羞愧“,注意你的身体和思想的反应。大概你会感到失去活力、瘫痪,似乎你穿上了铅制的紧身衣。这些感觉阻止你不但不去做错事,而且阻止你做任何事情,就这样。
To see the effect of this, consider an area of your life in which you feel
frustrated and stuck. Are you doing absolutely everything possible to get what
you want in these areas? If not, why not? If fear of humiliation is your
problem, your answer will probably be something like: "If I do that, people may
gossip about me/hate me/laugh at me/judge me." Or "That's unheard-of in my
family/neighborhood/religion/company." Or maybe, simply, "That would make me
look greedy/stupid/fat/selfish/wimpy/wrong."
要看到这种效果,考虑生活某个方面你被陷入其中,感到沮丧。你做了绝对一切能做的事情,在这些领域来达到你的目标吗?如果没有,为什么不?
如果对羞辱的害怕是你的问题,也许回答就会像这样:"如果我这么做,人们都要议论/恨我/笑我/评价我"或者”在我家庭/我住的社区/宗教/公司内,这是闻所未闻的“
后者只是:”这会让我看上去贪婪/愚蠢/胖/自私/懦弱/错"
These phrases are shame mantras. Obeying them prevents all kinds of
experiences—but not, it turns out, humiliation. In fact, the more we obey our
fear of shame, the more our frame of mind guarantees we'll feel humiliated.
这些句子都是用于羞辱的话。遵守它们阻碍了所有体验--但是,可又阻止不了羞辱。 事实上,我们对羞辱上的恐惧越屈从,我们的思维方式越会保证让我们感到羞辱。