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BPS精选 真诚感来自于成为最好的自己,而不是真实的你

Christian Jarrett 文 2017-3-14
陈明 译
Feeling authentic in a relationship comes from being able to be your best self, not your actual self
关系中的真诚感来自于你所能够成为的最好的你,而不是你真实的自我
Christian Jarrett 文
陈明 译


Feeling authentic in a relationship – that is, feeling like you are able to be yourself, rather than acting out of character – is healthy, not just for the relationship, but for your wellbeing in general. This makes sense: after all, putting on a fake show can be exhausting. But dig a little deeper and things get more complicated because there are different ways to define who “you” really are.

在一段关系中感到真诚——也就是说,感觉你能够成为你自己,而不是显得很有个性——这是健康的,不仅仅是为了关系,而是为了你的健康。这是有意义的:毕竟,带着假面具表演会让人筋疲力尽。但若是挖深一点的话,事情就会变得更复杂,因为有不同的方法来定义真的“你”是怎样的。

Is the real you how you actually think and behave, for instance? Or, taking a more dynamic perspective, is it fairer to say that the true you is the person you aspire to be: what psychologists call your “ideal self”?

例如,你确切的想法和行为是真实的吗?或者,采取一个更动态的角度来看的话,这样说更公平——真正的你,是你想成为的人:也就是心理学家所说的你“理想的自我”?

For a paper in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Muping Gan and Serena Chen asked members of the public about this and 70 per cent of them thought that the ability to be your actual self was more important for feeling authentic in a relationship than being able to be your ideal self.

在《人格社会心理学公报》的一篇论文中,Muping Gan和Serena Chen向公众询问了这个问题,其中70的人认为,与能够成为你的理想自我的关系之中的真诚感相比,成为真正的自我的能力更为重要。

But contrary to this folk wisdom, across several studies, the researchers actually found evidence for the opposite – that is, feelings of authenticity in a relationship seem to arise not from being our actual selves in the relationship, but from feeling that we can be our best or ideal self.

但是,这与民间智慧相反,在一些研究中,研究人员的确发现了相反的证据——也就是说,关系中真诚感似乎不是来自于我们真实的自我关系,而是来自于我们可以成为最好的自己或理想的自我的那些感觉。

The researchers made this discovery across several surveys conducted on Amazon’s Mechanical Turk website, each involving hundreds of participants of varying ages and in a range of different relationships, from the relatively new to decades-long.

研究人员通过亚马逊的土耳其机器人网站进行了几项调查,从中作出了这一发现,每一个调查涉及了不同年龄的数百位在一系列不同的关系中的参与者,他们关系从刚刚认识到几十年不等。

In one survey, participants answered questions about how they acted in their relationship, described what they considered to be their actual self, their ideal self, and they also answered questions about their feelings of authenticity in that relationship (for instance, they rated how much they could “be themselves” when with their partner and how they much they “felt artificial”).

在其中的一项调查中,参与者回答了他们在关系中是如何行动的问题,他们描述了他们所认为的他们的真实自我、理想的自我,他们还回答了关于他们在关系中的真诚感的问题,(例如,和他们的伴侣在一起的时候,他们可以“成为自己的”概率,以及他们在多大程度上“觉得(自己)是虚假的”)。

The results showed that feelings of authenticity in the relationship were higher when the way they behaved in the relationship more closely matched what they considered to be their ideal self. This association stayed true even when factoring out the contribution of other more general relationship factors, like relationship satisfaction and commitment. In contrast, being able to act in the relationship in ways similar to how they’d described their actual self did not correlate with feelings of authenticity in the relationship.

结果表明,在关系中真诚感更高的时候,他们在关系中表现得更符合他们所认为的理想自我。这种联合保持了其真实性,排除其他更一般关系因素的贡献,例如。排除了关系的满意度和承诺的贡献。与此相反,能够以相似的方式来描述他们的真实自我,与关系中的真诚感是没有联系的。

In further surveys, the researchers asked participants to perform short thought experiments before measuring their feelings of relationship authenticity. For example, in one survey some participants spent time thinking about ways that they are able to act like their ideal selves in their relationship whereas other participants spent time thinking about the ways they act with their partner that are different from their ideal self. In another case, participants spent time thinking about how the way they act with their partner is the same as their actual self, while others thought about how they are unable to act like their actual selves when with their partner.

在进一步的调查中,研究人员要求参与者在测量他们的关系真诚之前进行简短的思考实验。例如,在一项调查中,一些参与者花时间思考他们能够在他们的关系中表现出理想自我的方式,而其他参与者则花时间思考他们和伴侣的行为方式,这个行为方式与他们的理想自我是不同的。在另一种情况下,参与者花时间思考他们对伴侣的行为方式和他们的实际自我是相同的,而另一些人思考他们和伴侣在一起的时候,他们的行为无法像他们的实际的自己一样。

The outcomes of these different thought experiments were clear: thinking about the ability to be one’sideal selfin the relationship increased subsequent feelings of relationship authenticity (and thinking of not be able to be one’s ideal self had the converse effect). Meanwhile, thinking about the ability to be one’sactual selfin the relationship did not increase feelings of relationship authenticity.

这些不同思考的实验结果是清晰的:在关系中思考理想自我的的能力,增加了随后的感情关系的真诚性(而且对不理想自我的思想有相反的效果)。同时,在关系中思考真诚自我的能力并不会增加关系的真诚感。

In other words, at least when it comes to feelings of authenticity in a relationship, what seems to matter the most is not that we can be ourselves, as such, but that we can behave as the kind of person we strive to be.

换言之,至少在关系的真诚感时,最重要的不是我们能成为我们自己,而是我们可以作为一种我们努力奋斗的人。

This chimes in an interesting way with another concept in relationship research known as the Michelangelo phenomenon. This is the finding that we tend to make more progress towards our ideal selves when our partner has the same traits that we aspire to have ourselves, through encouragement or acting by example. The name of the concept invokes the idea of our partners helping to reveal our ideal selves, like a sculptor gradually reveals the form of a statue. These new findings suggest that if you have a partner like this, not only will you make more progress toward the kind of person you’d like to be, but that you’ll also have stronger feelings of authenticity in that relationship.

这与关系研究中的另一个被成为“米开朗基罗效应”的概念吻合。该研究发现,当我们的伴侣具有我们渴望的相同特时质,我们倾向于通过鼓励或以身作则来向着理想的自我前进。这个概念援引了我们的伴侣帮助解释我们揭示我们理想自我的想法,就像是雕塑家逐渐揭示雕像的形象。这些新的研究结果表明,如果你有一个这样的伴侣,你不仅会取得更大的进步,大踏步的走向你想成为那种人,而且在关系中你也会有更强烈的真诚感受。

Gan and Chen conclude their paper by suggesting that it might be time to revise the authenticity trope in romantic movies, such as when Mac in Juno says: “Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you…”. Perhaps in the future, the researchers write, “a movie character will dispense advice more along the lines of: “Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who you feel like you are your ‘best you’ with.”

Gan和Chen在论文的最后建议,也许这是在浪漫的电影中改变了真诚的比喻,例如MAC在电影《朱诺》中说:“你看,在我看来,你能做的最好的事情就是为确实的你找到一个爱你的人。好心情,坏心情,丑陋,漂亮,帅气,那些你所拥有的…。”也许在未来研究人员会写道,“一个电影角色将更多地以这样的方式提供建议:”看,在我看来,你能做的最好的事情就是,找到那个你觉得和她在一起,你就是你的‘最好的你’的那个人。


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